Redeeming Opportunities

My 17 year old daughter and I were watching a movie tonight, a 1956 Turner Classic called Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt. Suddenly she turned to me full of passion and compassion and said, "I always feel bad for people in prison because somewhere in their lives there HAD to be an opportunity to redeem themselves before it was too late."

There's nothing more tragic in life than regret. We've often had, and still have, the chance to redeem ourselves in love, but we rarely do. Pride, fear, ego and sometimes even death make us choke back those heart-felt sentiments we so badly want to express to a loved one.

When my older daughter said that, I instantly thought of my 15 year old daughter who is struggling with all that crazy teenage "finding herself" stuff. In the process she has shut everyone out of her life to live in a make-believe world of drama, while putting up walls of resistance that feel impossible for even the most loving person to broach.

It reminds me of a true story I read about some tribe in a foreign land. When someone in the community was experiencing any kind of disharmony, such as sadness, anger, depression or violence, they were hugged back into a state of health, harmony and happiness. Can you imagine gathering the neighorhood together for a 24/7 hugging vigil? My gosh, the whole world would have to give up their day jobs in order to heal the teenagers of today!

Nonetheless, everytime I look at my daughter and see the pain she is going through (albeit, self-inflicted), I know that what she needs is to be the recipient of a loving hugging marathon. The kind that doesn't stop until she can't stop laughing from that deep place of happiness inside. But right now "mom" is the space alien leper who caused all the world wars, droughts, famines, natural disasters and terminal illnesses on earth and in the 10 closest connecting galaxies. The last thing she wants is a hug from me. And the one thing she won't allow herself to believe, is that I love her.

Often when we look at our personal situations it seems like there are few if any, opportunities for redeeming moments. The word "relationship" suggests that we are only part of the equation, so no matter how loving, kind or forgiving we are, the other part of the equation is out of our control. And let's face it, we can influence others but we really can't change them. Self-actualization is a solo journey.

So where does that leave us? In a self-made prison so that 54 years later some teenager can say, "Gee, why didn't he do something different when he had the chance? His life didn't have to end so tragically."

There will always be a moment when you can reach out to someone and say, "I love you." So what if they fling it back in our face or turn away in disbelief! Love isn't about expectations, obligations, rewards or mutuality. It's a gift from the heart, of the heart, to another's heart. And the gift is in the giving.

During this Valentine's Day season watch for opportunities to give the gift of love without thoughts of needing love to be reciprocated. Then notice how your own well begins to fill with such a profound sense of joy and elation. I'm going to look for those moments of vulnerability in my daughter and sneak that little bit of love offering to her every chance I get. Because in truth, when people are in disharmony with the world it means they're at odds within themselves. And the only thing that puts us out of alignment with ourself is when we aren't feeling loved.